Work In Progress

I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, “Kiss me harder,” and “You’re a good person,” and, “You brighten my day.” I live my life as straight-forward as possible.

Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.

Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.

But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.

And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.

We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.

We never know when the bus is coming."

- Rachel C. Lewis,

For Nights When You Need a Light House

Little rusty...let's take it a litttttllleee  easy on me eh...

Dusting myself off.

After college, I had accepted that fact that things were never going to be that way again.  The same way every student realizes that the consistency of the past four are inconsistent with the new. The expiration date comes and you've got to go. 

You laugh when they tell you you wont be ready, and cry when they make you.

I'm old enough to understand I know absolutely nothing......except this: you are going to stress yourself out. You are definitely going to have a certain degree of a meltdown. You will go through waves of self loathe and moments of peace. You will literally go through tidal waves of chaotic confusion. I dont know if it was my first job (gateway to hell), or when fall showed up and reminded me of brick roads and the smell of my favorite Miami sweaty bar.... but I literally was touching fray ends of electrical cords. 

One of my soul sisters,  who only is a year older, but 20 years wiser told me this:  Nothing.makes.sense when you're 23 and 24. You will cry, stress out, and then you need to laugh it off. 

That girl didn't know how right she was.

One  other small thing that saved me... while I was in college,  every time I found or saw something that interested me whether it was an assignment,  a lecture, person, article, blog, location, book, hidden library spot, something chiseled in a desk, etc.. I would write it down and find out why it intrigued me. I bought myself a tiny notebook and I carried it with me everywhere. ..literally.. . everywhere.... my friends laughed at me for how weird I was about it.

 I would forget my ID before I would forget my notebook.

I still have it. Oh yeah, I carry it around with me like it's some sort of roadmap. It's pages of complete randomness: quotes, names, my favorite dog breed, short passages in books, tidbits of conversations I've heard (where did ya think accolades One, Two and Three came from) Anything that made my ears perk would be written in my notebook

I never read through it until I was trapped in the car between two broad shouldered brothers, and nothing but corn fields for five hours.

But being their arm rest left me with nothing to do but read. That little leather binded notebook... saved me.

It's. how. I. got. here.

I never believed it more so than now you land in certain places, at certain times, to meet certain people, to change certain things. You will go places or do things throughout that time that hit you differently, but remind you of something or someone. The first time I stepped on my college campus was the first time I knew I would be ok being far(ish) from home, and I could do it. There was an instinctual feeling about being in Oxford that made my heart pound. The same instincts I feel now living in a new city. I felt that same heart race when I got to New York. Reminders, are everywhere. The things I wrote down, the things I once noticed, the things that surrounded me everyday that I've always loved. I find them here, they make me... find me  

My best advice is to pay attention. The pages I wrote are .dots. to roadmaps. The snippets I wrote looks like organized chaos that makes no sense-- until it starts to make sense. If you go and search for the randomness that intrigues you-- it finds you right back. 

If you always have it together, and if you got everything you wanted early in the game, you would get bored.

Be hungry, foolish, write, scribble and laugh when you lose your sanity.

Dedicated .You. know who you are. 

-xoxo-

THE SOFT OPENING

I saw this. And thought it was a nice way to start again:

Inspiration

New Fall Tunes

Colder weather means new playlists

New air always makes me think of is a time of possibilities.

The first time I wrote about the seasons changing it was senior year of college. And although a lot has changed since--it makes me feel good to know that so much hasn't as well.

You can change rooms, homes, locations, occupations, cities, etc... but there are small signs of familiarity nestled in the nooks and cracks of our bones. And once in awhile they remind us of something/someone that is different but still the same.

Lately, I've been getting caught. I'll be walking and all of a sudden a breeze will whistle through the air. I can smell that same smell that I've known and loved sense I could think back. The quite hum of seasons shifting. It's only August in New York, and the intense humidity is still infecting our once straight hair. But when I get a hint of it--  I can't help but smile. I remind myself of going back to school. Running around campus-- seeing everyong I missed for the summer. Sweating out cocktail and making laps at the bars I had history with. I remember football seasons and banners lining up High Street. Sylabus week. Class crushes. New faces. Old faces.

High school in the fall was the same way. The leaves would change and all of a sudden, things were romantized. It was strangely cliched and unnervingly true. We rode around in cars with the windows down, screaming the summer songs that were over played. We would kiss our glows goodbye and bring in the bottom half to our pants.



I walk around New York. I see little kids hold their parents hands. They dance on the sidewalks and glitter with excitement over an ice cream cone. But i love that my excitement over the possibilities of a new season can match there still. They have more than half their lives ahead of them. We have more than half our lives a head of us. It's great to know that some of the best days of our lives haven't even begun yet. The end of summer is approaching. Fall is in the air. Happy New Beginnings.

"There are two types of people in the world: those who think they're normal and those who know there's no such thing.”

THE MANIFESTO OF ENCOURAGEMENT

THE MANIFESTO OF ENCOURAGEMENT

“right now:

There are Tibetan Buddhist monks in a temple in the Himalayas endlessly reciting mantras for the cessation of your suffering and for the flourishing of your happiness.

Someone you haven’t met yet is already dreaming of adoring you.

Someone is writing a book that you will read in the next two years that will change how you look at life.

Nuns in the Alps are in endless vigil, praying for the Holy Spirit to alight the hearts of all of God’s children.

A farmer is looking at his organic crops and whispering, “nourish them.”

Someone wants to kiss you, to hold you, to make tea for you. Someone is willing to lend you money, wants to know what your favourite food is, and treat you to a movie. Someone in your orbit has something immensely valuable to give you — for free.

Something is being invented this year that will change how your generation lives, communicates, heals and passes on.

The next great song is being rehearsed.

Thousands of people are in yoga classes right now intentionally sending light out from their heart chakras and wrapping it around the earth.

Millions of children are assuming that everything is amazing and will always be that way.

Someone is in profound pain, and a few months from now, they’ll be thriving like never before. They just can’t see it from where they’re at.

Someone who is craving to be partnered, to be acknowledged, to ARRIVE, will get precisely what they want — and even more. And because that gift will be so fantastical in it’s reach and sweetness, it will quite magically alter their memory of angsty longing and render it all “So worth the wait.“

Someone has recently cracked open their joyous, genuine nature because they did the hard work of hauling years of oppression off of their psyche — this luminous juju is floating in the ether, and is accessible to you.

Someone just this second wished for world peace, in earnest.

Someone is fighting the fight so that you don’t have to.

Some civil servant is making sure that you get your mail, and your garbage is picked up, that the trains are running on time, and that you are generally safe.Someone is dedicating their days to protecting your civil liberties and clean drinking water.

Someone is regaining their sanity. Someone is coming back from the dead. Someone is genuinely forgiving the seemingly unforgivable. Someone is curing the incurable.

You. Me. Some. One. Now.”

- Danielle LaPorte

TO BE LOVELY

I saw this and thought to myself: This is a lovely start:

"Responsibility to yourself means that you don’t fall for shallow and easy solutions—predigested books and ideas, marrying early as an escape from real decisions, getting pregnant as an evasion of already existing problems. It means that you refuse to sell your talents and aspirations short…and this, in turn, means resisting the forces in society which say that women should be nice, play safe, have low professional expectations, drown in love and forget about work, live through others, and stay in the places assigned to us. It means that we insist on a life of meaningful work, insist that work be as meaningful as love and friendship in our lives. It means, therefore, the courage to be “different”."

▼

  Adrienne Rich 

LEY GET A LITTLE MORE PERSONAL EH?

So I'm gonna be taking you back to April. Back to the infamous bed bug infested, sticky floor, couldn't change the channel because the remote was somewhere in the couch-- (rule one of our house: NEVER stick your hand between the couch cushions unless you like the look of a major allergic reaction going up your arm) No insulation, walls of hollow cardboard, lady bugs for pets, sat on the heater to warm my buttocks up-- era. My second semester... of the final year of college. The semester I would never go back and change-- nope, not even when they quarantined my scratchy bitten.to.death bod in the student health center. Good times mate, good times.

So my deal is simple but strange. I'm not scared of the things most people would be scared of i.e: big crowds in small spaces, being alone in the pitch dark,bunging jumping, speed boats, fast cars, snakes yada yoda. I grew up with brothers who made me their running target in paintball practice. They toughened my sissy girly girl act real fast.  I'm scared of the simple things i.e. Don't like elevators, airplanes or just the feeling of being stuck. Sure, I'm strange whatever-- we all got somethan that's makes it fun for other people. (A not-so-hilar family, who have a giddy time jumping on elevators) So when I tell you that one of the best weekends of my life was when I hopped my first flight, Sweated it out jamming to Adele, (who kept my expectations nice and depressing incase the whole might-go-down airplane thing happened-to-happen) and went to the big apple most would think that wasn't a big deal. Leyme tell ya, my no judgement readers- that flight had me drinking dry martinis pre take-off. Holy. Hot. Mess. 

About 40 long minutes later, I switched up my low- expectancy to survive the flight-- over to my new zest for life, to none other: my mayne, Jay-Z and Alicia for complimentary landing tunes. I Kissed the cement, got my swag on, hopped in my first New York cabbie alone and headed to heaven: West 57th and some other numba. (Details...details)

I landed and my smokin' aunt had sush and some red wine waiting for my dehydrated, sweaty tooshie, 'Adeled' flight of doom.

So here is another simple but super cray (crazy) thing about my family: no one cares to notice or act their age. My grandparents actually might believe.... in their mind.... they're still fresh... out of the oven.... college grads. Grandpa says he's going to the office....... .. ... Found out a few years ago the  "office" is a classier noun for bar. Grandma loves to dangle herself on his arm, so you can find those two dancing and drankin' down at their local hot-spot yacht club. Hey raising five kids (one being my mother) couldn't have been a walk in the park. So you go and get it. These 70 year-old children, who single handedly can outdrink my brohas and I combined... well my little boozers.... GOD love ya,Cheers.

Give my mother a good compliment and a cocktail and she never fails to utter: "Tay, momma's stillll got-it." This is pre--dancin like a long haired version of limp biskit. Meow momma 
me-ow. Moving on, My favorite man, give him a shot of tequila and the man forgets he hasn't played football since touch in college, and all of a sudden he morphs into Brian Urlacher. macho man. So, to make sure the judgments are being true to form: here's the thing about my super-fly New York aunt. The thing is so pretty it's hard to look at her when she talks...because you just stare...and that can be a little strange. She's a hot digitty dang. But on top of that she feels closer to my age than she does hers.  When I went through my first real difficult breakup, she and my 'mon petite cheri' (my little darling) uncle would call me at 4AM and we would stay up shyt-talk and bonding until 6AM.  

So here's the thing. She has always showed me the possibility of what's possible if you just try to work for the means of what you deserve and work for. The girl kills it for her job and therefore she has a killer life. But when she showed me New York. I mean, really did me good aka: hot-spot clubs, super chic restaurants, hitting my credit limit in SoHo.  She showed me a new beginning of a life I never knew I needed or wanted soooo bad. 

So here's where it gets personal. My soul sisters, whom I don't know how I got so frackkin lucky that they found me. We're all are in places in our lives that is so disconnected. We worked hard in school because we had a good idea of what we wanted. But let's face it, I'm not blaming everything on the economy, even though it is an issue in this love and hate post- college breakeup. (which has been my most difficult breakup to date) But I heard the infamous "live in the present" quote again. And OK, I understand it, I mean I get it; but I never really fully ate it up, swallowed and digested it. Until now. I know I have this section of my soul that has the 'wonderlust' characteristic, No, I don't mean to travel to the ends of the earth or do something like couch surf (just hard about that, if you don't know google that hipster-hotness) But I know for myself I have to divide to conquer. I know I can always go home. Home to me isn't my house, or the Chi-town. It is really where family is. But to get where I want to be, I must do it my own way. When I say that to my favorite man-- I think he holds his breath and counts backwards from 10. (confession: I use to say it just to get my love for the jib-jab) But now.... it's so true. So here's the 1-2- punch.

I get it, the economy sucks, we miss college, we miss living with our people we made into our own little families. But to get where you worked so hard for-- you gotta prepare now. No, I'm not quitting my job, hopping on another Adele-DOOMED United. I'm not gonna eat.pray.love this journey out. YES...I want to do those things, but I don't need them RIGHT THIS VERY INSTANCE. Our generation has the here, now, NEXT BEST '5G-'ness' mentality. But what we have to remember is to slow-it-down my little rabbit. Be the hare for a little, you'll win the race. 

I'll do the dance and be the little rookie-------that I am. I'll work to be the boss that I want to be. Here's the deal. Love is ALWAYS in the details. There is nothing better than the love of the struggle, and then the promise that comes from the motivation of the struggle. So work hard-- work so hard that sometimes you feel like you're your boss's boss. Walk the tight rope for the dream. Be the hare. One thing I know... ya gotta Keep your moralities, work-to-work- hard, work for quality, work for the practice to get to the win. Let inspiration fill your steps, and I truly believe this: that eventually those steps will lead you home.

WHY I LOVE

FOR THE VISUAL LEARNERS

The other day I hit one of those walls talking to a friend where the story lost it's mojo. I found myself doing circles in attempt to walk away with some dignity. Luckily my friend just started to laugh either A. to make me shut-it or B. She thought of something else that would make her laugh to the same volume frequency. Here's a great example:

NO.WORDS.

I DO BELIEVE:

Things I believe:

When history repeats itself it always comes back twice as bad.
-heard

Never ever be comfortable. Comfortable is another word for grey. 
 -friend

One dream can change your life
-read

Ask the universe your questions...it will surprise you. 
-Heard

You waste so much of your life having an ego. Having pride is one thing, having an abundance is catastrophic. I've seen it... it literally can destroy you. 
-friend

If you can’t stimulate her mind, you don’t deserve the rest of it…
-read

Get out there. Jump off the ledge. Sign that dance card and tip toe yourself to a little distraction. 
-overheard

In my opinion, if someone isn't asking you about something that is right in their face, chances are they don't care to know too much about you either. 
-overheard

We make the easiest thing the most complicated. If you care- you care. It's simple. Why make the good stuff the complicated?
-overheard

you find the magic of the world in the margin of error.
-overheard

If two people believe in something, like really believe in it. Even the impossible is possible.
-overheard

Accolades 3

If your dreams don't scare you they're not big enough
-read it

“No matter who you are, no matter what you do, you absolutely, positively do have the power to change.” ~Bill Phillips

"Don't look back unless you enjoy the view."
-overheard

"I hope you know how great and gentlemanly you are honestly,"
   -I'm ok, it's the world that's wrong..."
-friend

"Right now, someone you haven't met yet is out there wondering what it would be like to meet someone like you."-The buried life.

"There's a trick to a graceful exit. It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a stage of life, a relationship go. It means leaving what's over without denying it's value."-Ellen Goodman

"Why do things have to have limits. It's not always easy and it's not always conditional."-overheard

TRUTHS FOR MATURE HUMANS

MY SATELITE DISHES 2

Innocent bystanders:

"There's always a chance, There's always a choice"-Overheard

"A boy makes his girl jealous of other women. A gentleman makes other women jealous of his girl."-read

"Men were born with the balls for a reason."-Friend

"It doesn't matter anymore. Anything that is that confuses you that much you run from. Don't waste anymore time being this confused."

-Friend

"I swear...behind every hot girl there is some guy tired of hooking up with her"

-Friend

“Be wise, my dear, you must learn to just be still Until you really, really know”

-Overheard

No Thanks, I'm grateful for just this.

-Dad

I pay attention when someone uses feelings rather than words

-Overheard

Knowing everything won’t do you a bit of good unless you use it to put beauty into this world.

-Overheard

"Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don’t be sorry."

-Jack Kerouac

"CHANGE IS A FUNNY THING. WE’RE NEVER QUITE SURE WHAT WE’RE BECOMING, OR WHY. THEN ONE DAY WE LOOK AT OURSELVES AND WONDER WHO WE ARE AND HOW WE GOT THERE."

A goal without a plan is just a wish- Antoine de Saint

"...I was thinking the other day in class came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what decision we make as long as we take something from them and learn from them."-Friend 

“It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather, we should thank God that such men lived.”- George S. Patton, Jr.